From 72753288037c94f95388cbc9c9b9239ccd4f1b86 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Correl Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2022 23:23:36 -0500 Subject: [PATCH] notes --- 20220114224353-gender_performance.org | 16 ++++++++++++++++ 20220114230821-cross_dressing.org | 4 ++++ 20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org | 9 +++++++++ 20220114231620-escapism.org | 16 ++++++++++++++++ how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org | 14 ++++++++++++++ 5 files changed, 59 insertions(+) create mode 100644 20220114224353-gender_performance.org create mode 100644 20220114230821-cross_dressing.org create mode 100644 20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org create mode 100644 20220114231620-escapism.org create mode 100644 how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org diff --git a/20220114224353-gender_performance.org b/20220114224353-gender_performance.org new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1635795 --- /dev/null +++ b/20220114224353-gender_performance.org @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +:PROPERTIES: +:ID: 300b7d95-990c-4f61-99ca-42e6b7123c2c +:END: +#+title: Gender Performance + +Similar to many other trans women, I put on a strong performance as a man, or +what I thought a man ought to be. Not so much by hypermasculinizing myself (I +never felt particularly masculine in the first place, didn't see the point in +trying to appear so, and didn't care enough to put in the huge effort needed to +try), but by trying to play the masculine role I thought I was meant to fill. As +a boyfriend, as a husband, as a [[id:69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a][breadwinner]], and as a bit of a prick. Maybe +that's part of why it was so crushing when I lost my job in 2009. I felt +useless, emasculated, unwanted, and broken. It was in that low period of my +life, while I was stuck in my apartment alone while Jen (just my girlfriend at +the time) worked to pay our bills, that I really started exploring and finding +comfort in [[id:325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a][cross-dressing]]. diff --git a/20220114230821-cross_dressing.org b/20220114230821-cross_dressing.org new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8bcad57 --- /dev/null +++ b/20220114230821-cross_dressing.org @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +:PROPERTIES: +:ID: 325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a +:END: +#+title: Cross-Dressing diff --git a/20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org b/20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08aeac2 --- /dev/null +++ b/20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +:PROPERTIES: +:ID: 69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a +:END: +#+title: Escaping into work + +Work in particular was something I could pour myself into to ignore +uncomfortable feelings. It gave me a clear sense of worth and purpose. It served +as an [[id:92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea][escape]] from feelings of loneliness or listlessness. I could be productive +when I didn't otherwise know what to do with myself. diff --git a/20220114231620-escapism.org b/20220114231620-escapism.org new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fa52da --- /dev/null +++ b/20220114231620-escapism.org @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +:PROPERTIES: +:ID: 92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea +:END: +#+title: Escapism + +Avoiding feelings or situations by immersing myself in fantasies or activities +to distract myself or otherwise distance myself from what was really going on. + +My escapism has taken many forms, including: +- Reading books +- [[id:69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a][Escaping into work]] +- Playing video games +- Watching movies +- Daydreaming +- Acting out in my [[id:0c3817d8-2fbe-4a91-bab2-b4abbb024118][Sex and Love Addiction]] with fantasies, pornography, chats, or + sexual encounters. diff --git a/how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org b/how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1921c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +:PROPERTIES: +:ID: 3cf58541-d37c-467d-b9eb-28c6a7fe8077 +:ROAM_REFS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A5ooWTbtl8 +:END: +#+title: How To Feel Sexy as a Trans Woman - YouTube + +A video essay on [[id:300b7d95-990c-4f61-99ca-42e6b7123c2c][Gender Performance]] by Jessie Earl. + +I related pretty strongly with much of Jessie's story, particularly: +- Workaholism +- Not caring about my body +- Not feeling sexy as a man +- Not feeling a right to claim femininity +- "You have suffered by not being you"