writing

20220109103624-autobiography.org

@@ -1,13 +1,38 @@
 :PROPERTIES:
 :ID:       0d323248-dd31-440c-975c-cc05d32f23d2
+:ROAM_ALIASES: Autobiography
 :END:
 #+title: Autobiography
+#+subtitle: A memoir
 #+filetags: :project:autobiography:
+#+latex_class: book
 
-* Theme
+* Introduction
+Hi there, I'm Correl. I'm a trans woman, and this is my story.
+* Building the Closet
+I struggle to remember what set the wheels in motion that led to me ordering
+women's clothing on eBay. Perhaps it was memories from cosplaying and
+crossplaying at Otakon: the exhiliration of it, the joy of expressing a
+different side of myself. I was in a painful place, having been unemployed for
+months with my severance dwindling. I had nothing but free time alone with
+myself and my depression. Perhaps, feeling so emasculated and left to perform
+more traditionally feminine-coded work around the apartment, I felt due to
+embody the part. Not that I enjoyed doing most of the chores any more than I did
+when my father made me do them for him before.
+
+Buying clothes online presented a risk of being found out when they arrived, but
+I did have the benefit of being home when they'd likely arrive, and it was far
+easier than facing the unthinkable anxiety of trying to go buy anything in
+person. I also didn't want to pour a bunch of money into it. I ended up buying a
+cheap lot of colorful tops and skirts, and a couple mixed collections of panties
+and thongs. Nothing too fancy or particularly stylish, but I had some stuff to
+mix and match.
+
+* Notes :noexport:
+** Theme
 It is possible to rebuild yourself authentically from the darkest of places.
 
-* Events
+** Events
 - [[id:ec1129c7-6121-41ca-9e73-daa37d04bd93][Memory is weird]]
 - Youth / Living with Mom
 - Divorce
@@ -35,8 +60,8 @@ It is possible to rebuild yourself authentically from the darkest of places.
 - [[id:5dddbae0-ddc1-4fa8-b824-113731ca9d64][Being transgender]]
 - Engagement
 
-* Topics
+** Topics
-- Expectations
+- [[id:9936dbb9-cc93-4b81-977c-97643c62d1f7][Societal Expectations]]
 - [[id:92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea][Escapism]]
 - Isolation
 - Identity

20220114224353-gender_performance.org

@@ -7,13 +7,13 @@ Similar to many other trans women, I put on a strong performance as a man, or
 what I thought a man ought to be. Not so much by hypermasculinizing myself (I
 never felt particularly masculine in the first place, didn't see the point in
 trying to appear so, and didn't care enough to put in the huge effort needed to
-try), but by trying to play the masculine role I thought I was meant to fill. As
+try), but by trying to play the masculine role I thought I was [[id:9936dbb9-cc93-4b81-977c-97643c62d1f7][meant to fill]]. As
 a boyfriend, as a husband, as a [[id:69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a][breadwinner]], and as a bit of a prick. Maybe
 that's part of why it was so crushing when I lost my job in 2009. I felt
 useless, emasculated, unwanted, and broken. It was in that low period of my
 life, while I was stuck in my apartment alone while Jen (just my girlfriend at
 the time) worked to pay our bills, that I really started exploring and finding
-comfort in [[id:325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a][cross-dressing]].
+comfort in [[id:3c4bf0f6-46c3-4c8b-8f16-98795488f815][Closeted Cross-Dressing]].
 
 Jen would say I acted like a whole different person when I was presenting as a
 woman back then. That never sat right with me, I felt more like myself if

20220115225907-societal_expectations.org

@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       9936dbb9-cc93-4b81-977c-97643c62d1f7
+:END:
+#+title: Societal Expectations

20220115230949-closeted_cross_dressing.org

@@ -0,0 +1,20 @@
+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       3c4bf0f6-46c3-4c8b-8f16-98795488f815
+:END:
+#+title: Closeted Cross-Dressing
+
+I struggle to remember what set the wheels in motion that led to me ordering
+some collections of clothing on eBay. Perhaps it was memories from cosplaying
+and [[id:6f71c239-bedc-4842-8dd6-ea067d62daf5][crossplaying]] at Otakon, the exhiliration of it, the joy of expressing a
+different side of myself. I was in a painful place, having been unemployed for
+months with my severance dwindling. I had nothing but free time alone with
+myself and my depression. Perhaps, feeling so emasculated and left to perform
+more traditionally feminine-coded work around the apartment, I felt due to
+embody the part. Not that I enjoyed doing most of the chores any more than I did
+when my father made me do them for him before. Buying clothes online presented a
+risk of being found out when they arrived, but I did have the benefit of being
+home when they'd likely arrive, and it was far easier than facing the
+unthinkable anxiety of trying to go buy anything in person. I also didn't want
+to pour a bunch of money into it. I ended up buying a cheap lot of colorful tops
+and skirts, and a couple mixed collections of panties and thongs. Nothing too
+fancy or particularly stylish, but I had some stuff to mix and match.

20220115231614-crossplaying.org

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       6f71c239-bedc-4842-8dd6-ea067d62daf5
+:END:
+#+title: Crossplaying
+
+From tights, to watching Phil portray Faye, to buying (cheap) silicone breast
+forms to dress as Ukyo, to cosplaying Bridget.