:PROPERTIES:
:ID:       0d323248-dd31-440c-975c-cc05d32f23d2
:ROAM_ALIASES: Autobiography
:END:
#+title: Autobiography
#+subtitle: A memoir
#+filetags: :project:autobiography:
#+latex_class: book

* Introduction
Hi there, I'm Correl. I'm a trans woman, and this is my story.

I've never had any idea how it feels to be a "man". I was merely cursed with
inadvertently fooling everyone else into thinking I was one. I suppose I did put
effort into the act, but to he honest it always felt shaky, like the curtain
could slip at any moment and reveal the frantic, confused wretch that was
pulling the levers behind it. More often than not I was convinced the wretch was
fully exposed, and the rest of the world was stuck cobbling together a loose
perception of what I was using its own very limited set of available labels, and
simply gave up at "awkward guy".
* Building the Closet
I struggle to remember what set the wheels in motion that led to me ordering
women's clothing on eBay. Perhaps it was memories from cosplaying and
crossplaying at Otakon: the exhiliration of it, the joy of expressing a
different side of myself. I was in a painful place, having been unemployed for
months with my severance dwindling. I had nothing but free time alone with
myself and my depression. Perhaps, feeling so emasculated and left to perform
more traditionally feminine-coded work around the apartment, I felt due to
embody the part. Not that I enjoyed doing most of the chores any more than I did
when my father made me do them for him before.

Buying clothes online presented a risk of being found out when they arrived, but
I did have the benefit of being home when they'd likely arrive, and it was far
easier than facing the unthinkable anxiety of trying to go buy anything in
person. I also didn't want to pour a bunch of money into it. I ended up buying a
cheap lot of colorful tops and skirts, and a couple mixed collections of panties
and thongs. Nothing too fancy or particularly stylish, but I had some stuff to
mix and match.

* Notes :noexport:
** Theme
It is possible to rebuild yourself authentically from the darkest of places.

** Events
- [[id:ec1129c7-6121-41ca-9e73-daa37d04bd93][Memory is weird]]
- Youth / Living with Mom
- Divorce
- Vito's death
- Living with Dad
- High School
- Puberty
- Heather
- [[id:a54fc4a6-4496-4f99-9c9d-c85481b65452][The Phoenix Inquisitor]]
- Living with Mom
- [[id:87659956-5aa1-4603-9d69-91dce70096b9][Otakon]] and Cosplay
- Jessica
- Tech School
- 9/11/2001
- Living with roomates
- My [[id:0c3817d8-2fbe-4a91-bab2-b4abbb024118][Sex and Love Addiction]]
- Jen
- [[id:325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a][Cross-Dressing]]
- Therapy
- Journaling
- Miscarriage
- Divorce
- Stephanie
- Dating
- [[id:5dddbae0-ddc1-4fa8-b824-113731ca9d64][Being transgender]]
- Engagement

** Topics
- [[id:9936dbb9-cc93-4b81-977c-97643c62d1f7][Societal Expectations]]
- [[id:92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea][Escapism]]
- Isolation
- Identity
- Solitude
- Connection
- Growth