3.0 KiB
Autobiography
Introduction
Hi there, I'm Correl. I'm a trans woman, and this is my story.
I've never had any idea how it feels to be a "man". I was merely cursed with inadvertently fooling everyone else into thinking I was one. I suppose I did put effort into the act, but to he honest it always felt shaky, like the curtain could slip at any moment and reveal the frantic, confused wretch that was pulling the levers behind it. More often than not I was convinced the wretch was fully exposed, and the rest of the world was stuck cobbling together a loose perception of what I was using its own very limited set of available labels, and simply gave up at "awkward guy".
Building the Closet
I struggle to remember what set the wheels in motion that led to me ordering women's clothing on eBay. Perhaps it was memories from cosplaying and crossplaying at Otakon: the exhiliration of it, the joy of expressing a different side of myself. I was in a painful place, having been unemployed for months with my severance dwindling. I had nothing but free time alone with myself and my depression. Perhaps, feeling so emasculated and left to perform more traditionally feminine-coded work around the apartment, I felt due to embody the part. Not that I enjoyed doing most of the chores any more than I did when my father made me do them for him before.
Buying clothes online presented a risk of being found out when they arrived, but I did have the benefit of being home when they'd likely arrive, and it was far easier than facing the unthinkable anxiety of trying to go buy anything in person. I also didn't want to pour a bunch of money into it. I ended up buying a cheap lot of colorful tops and skirts, and a couple mixed collections of panties and thongs. Nothing too fancy or particularly stylish, but I had some stuff to mix and match.