notes

20220114224353-gender_performance.org

@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       300b7d95-990c-4f61-99ca-42e6b7123c2c
+:END:
+#+title: Gender Performance
+
+Similar to many other trans women, I put on a strong performance as a man, or
+what I thought a man ought to be. Not so much by hypermasculinizing myself (I
+never felt particularly masculine in the first place, didn't see the point in
+trying to appear so, and didn't care enough to put in the huge effort needed to
+try), but by trying to play the masculine role I thought I was meant to fill. As
+a boyfriend, as a husband, as a [[id:69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a][breadwinner]], and as a bit of a prick. Maybe
+that's part of why it was so crushing when I lost my job in 2009. I felt
+useless, emasculated, unwanted, and broken. It was in that low period of my
+life, while I was stuck in my apartment alone while Jen (just my girlfriend at
+the time) worked to pay our bills, that I really started exploring and finding
+comfort in [[id:325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a][cross-dressing]].

20220114230821-cross_dressing.org

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+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       325b3e32-6a92-481a-b5dd-8464f491856a
+:END:
+#+title: Cross-Dressing

20220114231318-escaping_into_work.org

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+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a
+:END:
+#+title: Escaping into work
+
+Work in particular was something I could pour myself into to ignore
+uncomfortable feelings. It gave me a clear sense of worth and purpose. It served
+as an [[id:92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea][escape]] from feelings of loneliness or listlessness. I could be productive
+when I didn't otherwise know what to do with myself.

20220114231620-escapism.org

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+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       92241371-3c99-494f-a518-41914e714cea
+:END:
+#+title: Escapism
+
+Avoiding feelings or situations by immersing myself in fantasies or activities
+to distract myself or otherwise distance myself from what was really going on.
+
+My escapism has taken many forms, including:
+- Reading books
+- [[id:69e5f8cb-0e60-451c-8906-1749b6fd6c7a][Escaping into work]]
+- Playing video games
+- Watching movies
+- Daydreaming
+- Acting out in my [[id:0c3817d8-2fbe-4a91-bab2-b4abbb024118][Sex and Love Addiction]] with fantasies, pornography, chats, or
+  sexual encounters.

how_to_feel_sexy_as_a_trans_woman_youtube.org

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+:PROPERTIES:
+:ID:       3cf58541-d37c-467d-b9eb-28c6a7fe8077
+:ROAM_REFS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A5ooWTbtl8
+:END:
+#+title: How To Feel Sexy as a Trans Woman - YouTube
+
+A video essay on [[id:300b7d95-990c-4f61-99ca-42e6b7123c2c][Gender Performance]] by Jessie Earl.
+
+I related pretty strongly with much of Jessie's story, particularly:
+- Workaholism
+- Not caring about my body
+- Not feeling sexy as a man
+- Not feeling a right to claim femininity
+- "You have suffered by not being you"